I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are furious! Steven Wright View this quote
I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are furious! Steven Wright
Steven Wright
A man is paralyzed mentally by a beautiful woman, and advertisers take advantage. Like those ads where a woman in the bikini is next to a 32-piece ratchet set. We’re going, ‘She’s right next to the ratchet set, if I had the ratchet set, it would mean that… I better just buy the ratchets.’ Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
You have to have a serious streak in you, or you can’t see the funny side of the other fellow. Will Rogers
Will Rogers
If the audience knows you can be funny when you want to be, they will be willing to wait for that payoff. Bill Cosby
Bill Cosby
Human beings only use ten percent of their brains. Ten percent! Can you imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other sixty percent? Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen DeGeneres
Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven’t been in a car since 1965. Jerry Seinfeld
If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. Oscar Wilde
Oscar Wilde
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields
When a doctor makes a mistake, it’s best to bury the subject. Woody Allen
Woody Allen
I admire people who know they can’t sing. There are so many people out there who can’t sing, but they think they can, so they sing a lot. Ellen DeGeneres
