W. C. Fields

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn’t.

W. C. Fields

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

W. C. Fields

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

W. C. Fields

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

W. C. Fields

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

W. C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

W. C. Fields

Women are crazy about pets. They’re just crazy. Pets have nothing to do with it.

W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at ’em, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

W. C. Fields

You can fool some of the people some of the time – and that’s enough to make a decent living.

W. C. Fields