W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

W. C. Fields

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

W. C. Fields

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

W. C. Fields

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

W. C. Fields

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

W. C. Fields

The best thing to break is a contract.

W. C. Fields

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

W. C. Fields