W. C. Fields

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

W. C. Fields

I was married once – in San Francisco. I haven’t seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There’s no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren’t all bad.

W. C. Fields

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

W. C. Fields

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.

W. C. Fields

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

W. C. Fields

It’s what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

W. C. Fields

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

W. C. Fields