W. C. Fields

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

W. C. Fields

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

W. C. Fields

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

W. C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

W. C. Fields

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

W. C. Fields

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

W. C. Fields

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

W. C. Fields

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

W. C. Fields