W. C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

W. C. Fields

Beds are dangerous. More people die in bed than anywhere else.

W. C. Fields

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

W. C. Fields

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

W. C. Fields

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

W. C. Fields

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

W. C. Fields

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

W. C. Fields

Happiness means quiet nerves.

W. C. Fields

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W. C. Fields