Steven Wright

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.

Steven Wright

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven’t spoken since.

Steven Wright

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they’re all stuck together?

Steven Wright

Why do banks charge you a ‘non-sufficient funds fee’ on money they already know you don’t have?

Steven Wright

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Steven Wright

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Steven Wright

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright

You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Steven Wright