Steven Wright

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’

Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Steven Wright

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Steven Wright

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Steven Wright

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Steven Wright

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Steven Wright

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written.

Steven Wright