Steven Wright

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Steven Wright

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Steven Wright

I went into a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

Steven Wright

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.

Steven Wright

I’m actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.

Steven Wright

I’m writing a book. I’m almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.

Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Steven Wright

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Steven Wright