Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice.

Steven Wright

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it’s going to be up all night.

Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are furious!

Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.

Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’

Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time.

Steven Wright

I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright