Steven Wright

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Steven Wright

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Steven Wright

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.

Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

Steven Wright

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Steven Wright