Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor, ‘I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills’ and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my kids, ‘Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.’ One of them said, ‘So will you.’

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife ‘hey honey come on, let’s make love like the old days.’ She asked me for 50 bucks.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield

I took my son to Coney island, I said ‘wanna go in the crazy house?’, he said ‘save your money we’ll be home soon!’

Rodney Dangerfield

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is ‘don’t tell the butcher!’

Rodney Dangerfield

I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Rodney Dangerfield

I’m at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

Rodney Dangerfield