Rodney Dangerfield

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, ‘I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.’ I brought Windex.

Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

Rodney Dangerfield

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

Rodney Dangerfield

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi – yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

Rodney Dangerfield

I live in a tough neighborhood. When I plan my budget, I allow for holdup money.

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Rodney Dangerfield

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

Rodney Dangerfield

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Rodney Dangerfield

I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ‘no.’

Rodney Dangerfield