Rodney Dangerfield

I can’t figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t get no respect. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Rodney Dangerfield

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.

Rodney Dangerfield

I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Rodney Dangerfield