Rodney Dangerfield

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

Rodney Dangerfield

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

Rodney Dangerfield

Everyone says that looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who’s broke.

Rodney Dangerfield

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, ‘Wait til it gets warmer.’

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?’ She said, ‘You know I’m no good at fractions.’

Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.

Rodney Dangerfield