Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

Rodney Dangerfield

What good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Rodney Dangerfield

With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

Rodney Dangerfield

You know you’re getting old when your insurance company sends you a half a calendar.

Rodney Dangerfield

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn’t eaten in four days. I told him, ‘Man, I wish I had your willpower.’

Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Rodney Dangerfield

At my age I’m envious of a stiff wind.

Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

Rodney Dangerfield

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Rodney Dangerfield