Rodney Dangerfield

I’ll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

Rodney Dangerfield

I’ve been writing jokes since I’m fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn’t good to me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I’ve learned to control everything. I don’t get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That’s life. What good is it to get angry?

Rodney Dangerfield

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we’d be in a lot of trouble.

Rodney Dangerfield

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

Rodney Dangerfield

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Rodney Dangerfield

Never tell your wife she’s lousy in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion.

Rodney Dangerfield

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

Rodney Dangerfield