Rodney Dangerfield

I am the world’s oldest teenager. I’ve never lost my youthful attitude.

Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t get no respect. I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised the rent.

Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t get no respect. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

I solved my drinking problem. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I still drink, but I use a different name.

Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn’t going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

Rodney Dangerfield

I went to buy a suit. I told the salesman, ‘I wanna see something cheap.’ He told me to look in the mirror.

Rodney Dangerfield