Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife, I don’t get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet.

Rodney Dangerfield

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

Rodney Dangerfield

You gotta look out for number one, but don’t step in number two!

Rodney Dangerfield

You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Rodney Dangerfield

You live with life’s disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

Rodney Dangerfield