Rodney Dangerfield

The shape I’m in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn’t been a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn’t get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

Rodney Dangerfield

When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There’s water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where’s the car? She said, In a lake.

Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, ‘How can I get my kite in the air?’ He told me to run off a cliff.

Rodney Dangerfield