Rodney Dangerfield

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Rodney Dangerfield

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her ‘you cooked it, you take it out’.

Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Rodney Dangerfield