Rodney Dangerfield

I’m sitting on top of the world, and I’ve got hemorrhoids.

Rodney Dangerfield

I’ve never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

Rodney Dangerfield

If you can’t write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

Rodney Dangerfield

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

Rodney Dangerfield

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

Rodney Dangerfield

It’s lonely on the top when there’s no one on the bottom.

Rodney Dangerfield

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

Rodney Dangerfield

It’s tough to stay married. My wife says no because she’s tired then stays up and reads her book.

Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, ‘What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?’

Rodney Dangerfield

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Rodney Dangerfield