Milton Berle

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient.

Milton Berle

She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

Milton Berle

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.

Milton Berle

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Milton Berle

There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.

Milton Berle

There’s a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

Milton Berle

They’ve finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

Milton Berle

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.

Milton Berle

What is this? An audience of a jury?

Milton Berle

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, ‘I wish he was my kid for one day!’

Milton Berle