Milton Berle

If you hire relatives, you’ll have a payroll that won’t quit.

Milton Berle

In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

Milton Berle

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

Milton Berle

It’s rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

Milton Berle

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.

Milton Berle

My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

Milton Berle

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?

Milton Berle

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

Milton Berle

On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

Milton Berle

People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.

Milton Berle