Milton Berle

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

Milton Berle

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Milton Berle

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

Milton Berle

But seriously ladies and germs… if there’s one place for me, it’s ‘Near You.’

Milton Berle

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man’s side?

Milton Berle

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

Milton Berle

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I’d told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

Milton Berle

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.

Milton Berle

Folk who don’t know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

Milton Berle

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.

Milton Berle