Milton Berle

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, ‘Don’t worry. The little bit of work I do won’t be noticed!’

Milton Berle

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Milton Berle

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.

Milton Berle

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, ‘Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.’ That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

Milton Berle

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs – is that a promise or a threat?

Milton Berle

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.

Milton Berle

You’re aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

Milton Berle

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.

Milton Berle

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Milton Berle

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

Milton Berle