Mark Twain

I would much prefer to suffer from the clean incision of an honest lancet than from a sweetened poison.

Mark Twain

I would not rob you of your food or your clothes or your umbrella, but if I caught your German out I would take it. But I don’t study any more,- I have given it up.

Mark Twain

I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S Grant in full military regalia.

Mark Twain

I’ll learn him or kill him.

Mark Twain

I’ll resk forty dollars that he can outjump any frog in Calaveras county.

Mark Twain

I’m glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again.

Mark Twain

I’m merely running some errands. This is now off the record.

Mark Twain

I’m the only person who has ever found the right way to build an autobiography.

Mark Twain

I’ve come loaded with statistics, for I’ve noticed that a man can’t prove anything without statistics. No man can.

Mark Twain

If all men knew what each said of the other, there would not be four friends in the world.

Mark Twain