Josh Billings

I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.

Josh Billings

I haven’t got as much money as some folks, but I’ve got as much impudence as any of them, and that’s the next thing to money.

Josh Billings

I never question a success, any more than I do the right of a bulldog to lie in his own gateway.

Josh Billings

I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry.

Josh Billings

I’ve never known an auctioneer to lie unless it was absolutely necessary.

Josh Billings

If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself.

Josh Billings

If animals had reason, they would act just as ridiculous as we menfolks do.

Josh Billings

If mankind were only just what they pretend to be, the problem of the millennium would be immediately solved.

Josh Billings

If men were stubborn just in proportion as they were right, stubbornness would take her seat among the virtues; but men are generally stubborn just in proportion as they are ignorant and wrong.

Josh Billings

If you do not know how to lie, cheat, and steal, turn your attention to politics and learn.

Josh Billings