Jerry Seinfeld

I’d like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.

Jerry Seinfeld

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Jerry Seinfeld

I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks.

Jerry Seinfeld

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Jerry Seinfeld

If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it’s an incomparable experience.

Jerry Seinfeld

Let’s examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing. He can’t believe that you’ve accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. ‘He’s back again! It’s that guy! It’s that guy!’

Jerry Seinfeld

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You can’t stare at it. It’s too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

Jerry Seinfeld

Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.

Jerry Seinfeld

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Jerry Seinfeld