Jerry Seinfeld

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

Jerry Seinfeld

I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I’m doing new stuff all the time.

Jerry Seinfeld

I don’t return fruit. Fruit’s a gamble. I know that going in.

Jerry Seinfeld

I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.

Jerry Seinfeld

I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that’s your answer.

Jerry Seinfeld

I hate being around alcoholics because they’re either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you. And those are the two statements that scare me the most.

Jerry Seinfeld

I hate the waiting room. Because it’s called the waiting room, there’s no chance of not waiting. It’s built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they’ve got this room all set up?

Jerry Seinfeld

I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me. Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide.

Jerry Seinfeld

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Jerry Seinfeld

I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.

Jerry Seinfeld