Jerry Seinfeld

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

Jerry Seinfeld

Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It’s a force for good or evil. It’s no different from money. It’s power.

Jerry Seinfeld

Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.

Jerry Seinfeld

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Jerry Seinfeld

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

Jerry Seinfeld

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Jerry Seinfeld

Economy is essential to all good art.

Jerry Seinfeld

Everybody in New York City knows there’s way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.

Jerry Seinfeld

Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I’m ready to handle whatever I have to handle.

Jerry Seinfeld