Jerry Seinfeld

A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it’s just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.

Jerry Seinfeld

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven’t been in a car since 1965.

Jerry Seinfeld

All magic is ‘Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over’.

Jerry Seinfeld

And I’ll tell ya, I’m really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It’s wonderful! Plus, I love saying ‘my wife.’ Once I started saying it, I couldn’t stop – ‘my wife’ this, ‘my wife’ that…it’s an amazing way to begin a sentence.

Jerry Seinfeld

Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

Jerry Seinfeld

Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there’s a chance it’ll feel new to the audience and we’ll have found something.

Jerry Seinfeld

As a child, the only clear thought I had was ‘Get candy’.

Jerry Seinfeld

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don’t get that.

Jerry Seinfeld

Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me.

Jerry Seinfeld

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Jerry Seinfeld