Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

Jerry Seinfeld

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

Jerry Seinfeld

It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it.

Jerry Seinfeld

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Jerry Seinfeld

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Jerry Seinfeld

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.

Jerry Seinfeld

People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.

Jerry Seinfeld

Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me.

Jerry Seinfeld