George Carlin

I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It’s for communicating with people you’d rather not talk to.

George Carlin

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.

George Carlin

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

George Carlin

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.

George Carlin

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.

George Carlin

I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.

George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin

I’m in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn’t include malignant tumors.

George Carlin