George Carlin

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It’s surprise that makes the joke.

George Carlin

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.

George Carlin

I believe you can joke about anything.

George Carlin

I don’t consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist.

George Carlin

I don’t get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.

George Carlin

I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

George Carlin

I don’t own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt.

George Carlin

I don’t vote. We’re led to believe we’re free through the exercise of ineffective freedoms.

George Carlin