George Carlin

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

George Carlin

Personally, emotionally, I’d rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.

George Carlin

Property is theft. Nobody ‘owns’ anything. When you die, it all stays here.

George Carlin

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

George Carlin

Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

George Carlin

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

George Carlin

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you’d make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

George Carlin

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

George Carlin

They’re only words. You can’t be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it’s an unpleasant truth.

George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

George Carlin