Ellen DeGeneres

I don’t need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there’s morning sickness. If I’m going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

Ellen DeGeneres

I don’t pay attention to the number of birthdays. It’s weird when I say I’m 53. It just is crazy that I’m 53. I think I’m very immature. I feel like a kid. That’s why my back goes out all the time, because I completely forget I can’t do certain things anymore – like doing the plank for 10 minutes.

Ellen DeGeneres

I don’t think I remember my first memory.

Ellen DeGeneres

I don’t understand the sizes anymore. There’s a size zero, which I didn’t even know that they had. It must stand for: ‘Ohhh my God, you’re thin.’

Ellen DeGeneres

I don’t want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: ‘That’s a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going…’

Ellen DeGeneres

I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.

Ellen DeGeneres

I get bored easily, so I need to do a lot. I’ve started a record label, so I get to nurture new talent and talk about music, which is a passion of mine. I’ve written another book. And I get to come to work and do the TV show, which is always really fun.

Ellen DeGeneres

I get home at the end of the day and I don’t want to talk. All I want to do is lay on the floor and pet my dogs and my cats.

Ellen DeGeneres

I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness – and then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, I’m a human trying to make it through in this world.

Ellen DeGeneres

I get to do stand-up every single day. I love that live energy exchange between the audience and myself, and to get to say the things I want to say and comment on.

Ellen DeGeneres