Ellen DeGeneres

I cannot believe they haven’t yet come up with a better screening process than the mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, ‘Put that thing there so I can crush it.’

Ellen DeGeneres

I cannot imagine not going home to animals. They are the closest thing to God; they don’t harbor resentment. I wanted to be a vet when I grew up.

Ellen DeGeneres

I didn’t go to college at all, any college, and I’m not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I’m a huge celebrity.

Ellen DeGeneres

I didn’t grow up in a house – we moved a lot, and we always lived in apartments. But we looked a lot; we went to open houses almost every weekend. I think that’s why I always wanted a house.

Ellen DeGeneres

I didn’t see deep emotion from my parents. It was all very polite and very surface. I never knew how anybody was feeling.

Ellen DeGeneres

I do fantasize about having my own shop one day.

Ellen DeGeneres

I do it because I love animals and I saw the reality. And I just couldn’t ignore it anymore. I’m healthier for it, I’m happier for it. I can’t imagine that if you’re putting something in your body that is filled with fear or anxiety or pain, that that isn’t somehow going to be inside of you.

Ellen DeGeneres

I do like men and I had, you know, a guy in high school that I wanted to marry desperately. He’s the mayor of some small town in Texas. I could be the mayor’s wife right now.

Ellen DeGeneres

I don’t consider myself an interviewer as much as an entertainer.

Ellen DeGeneres

I don’t know when it became socially acceptable to be late.

Ellen DeGeneres