Andy Rooney

Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.

Andy Rooney

Before a kid learns how to use a computer that can solve mathematical problems, he or she should know how to do arithmetic without a computer.

Andy Rooney

Believing is such a comfort that it’s hard to give up a belief just because it isn’t true.

Andy Rooney

By the time they’re ready to be thrown away, most shoes are thoroughly comfortable.

Andy Rooney

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

Andy Rooney

Conservatives are more religious than liberals – although there is no evidence that they’re nicer people because of it.

Andy Rooney

Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they’ll be okay if they’re left alone.

Andy Rooney

Did you ever notice that people who are good with a computer don’t use it for much of anything except being good with a computer? They know all about information technology, but they don’t have much interest in the information. I’m the opposite.

Andy Rooney

Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes – that’s what I’m here for.

Andy Rooney

Don’t keep saying, ‘I don’t know where the time goes.’ It goes the same place it’s always gone and no one has ever known where that is.

Andy Rooney